Life can be easy

So it has been a long time since I have posted content on either of my blogs and I am amazed at the level of honesty I went into with this one. So here I go again. Life for me has just become better and better over the years. Every now and then I sit back and cannot believe my current reality. I am comfortable in my own skin which as I really trust myself happens more and more. Every time I feel afraid about taking a risk, I reassure myself that every time I do, life gets better and better and that helps to take that next step.

When I came back to Australia I was unhappy that life had 'forced' me back. Hilarious that it took me so long to accept that I was meant to come back. Rather than 'revert' back, I created my life to be different to what it was before. After all I had changed a lot when I went overseas - I became independent and when you are away from everything you know, you have a freedom to become whoever you want. Truth is you become more like yourself than you ever were. Noone is reflecting back you who you SHOULD be. That is part of the fun. And when you are having fun amazing things happen. I often take life too seriously and then I remind myself that it should be fun and carefree and easy. More and more the 'snippets' that I experience in that frame of mind are becoming minutes, and then hours. Heading in the right direction for sure. And now I am doing things I have always wanted to do, and embracing my own spirituality again. What do we believe in? At the very least we should believe in ourselves. Then we begin to realise what we are part of. Then life is truly outstanding.

The challenge before me

I am sitting in San Sebastian and tomorrow I begin a walk that is 2 years in the wanting. Not that I know too much about it, except that it has a spiritual history, and that it is in a country of my heritage. Never having done something like this before, all I can do is step over that precipice and see what is there. It is the ´gap´that I face now - between known and unknown. An adventure? for sure. And I am in a good frame of mind, and even though I have a cold and am physically tired, my mental state is ready for this.
I sat in the Santa Maria Basilica, sun streaming into the church through a smoky window and sat in peace for the first time for a while. Even knelt on the hard boards and said a prayer for courage and strength that I might need while walking for the next week at least. Who knows what lies before me so I can only put my trust in the power that is greater than me, knowing that everything will be, and has always been ok when I have trusted that power.
let the journey begin!!

Stability soon to be nonexistent

Has been a while since I have let you into my headspace. At the moment finding it a challenge to continually commit to travelling and getting myself out of my comfort zone. It is very tempting to switch visa now and look to work full time. On one hand I yearn for stability, on the other, it is the adventure that I am all about. I am extremely happy here, and I enjoy the UK - especially Scotland. The thing I enjoy the most is learning and meeting new people. That of course inspires me to travel. But I know there will be a time as I am moving from place to place that I will just want to stay in one place. It is what I have enjoyed in the last few months - having a place and room of my own.

Maybe this is just my worrying tendency. Have been allowing myself to be really busy as a distraction - focusing on work, (when I really don't need to) just so the fear is kept at bay.

Life is constantly challenging and I make it that way. I am not sure what my travels will lead to, but I would be surprised if I worked again in Financial Services unless it was just for the money to fund something else. I find it too patriarchal and restricting. Business doesn't have to be that way, yet it is the way it is. And I struggle and fight against it. It doesn't inspire me and it's potential to contribute to the community has me so frustrated sometimes.

Anyway that is where I am at.

The Depression

It's an interesting thing that you can be having fun, enjoying yourself but know that underneath that there is a little depression going on. I only realised it when I found myself wanting to go to bed early at night when I got home. I was literally exhausted but I hadn't had a more than usually busy day.
The darkness sets in at about 4ish and add the gloominess to some days and it gets to you without you even realising it.
LAst week I called a lot of people from home - family and friends. It wasn't really until the Wed night that I realised that even though I had landed on my feet I was still depressed! On some level loosening my ties to home had taken it's toll. At first it is easy to identify, because you feel lonely. But then you make friends over here and you think everything is ok. But you then realise that you are still feeling 'down'. So when I say depression it isn't tears and woe is me stuff, it is feeling low, being able to laugh and connect with people but feeling tired a lot.
Anyway, I wonder how I will be by February/March?

Where do we go from here?

Life is good over here. Did have my first real feeling of homesickness and I think it was because I was changing places to live. Any real uncertainty sends you into a but of overwhelm here, when you don't have your standard security's to rely on. The 'down' time, that is the time when you would normally chat to family or good friends is now time that is free, which allows me to do more which is great.
I feel like my time is limited over here which has me make the most of everything I think, yet I still have to pace myself so i don't get too worn down.
Not sure what else I could be doing. Now that I am working I do have to make sure that I remind myself constantly that it is impermanent and that I am here to travel and write. It would be easy to slip into a routine where I would just work and hang out on weekends. That would simply not be enough for me.
I am definitely going to switch visa's but i am focused on first finishing my contract and then going home for a while to see everyone. I still at times can't believe i am here!
Anyway just some random thoughts on where my head is!

Dreams and realities

It has been really bizarre how much I have dreamed over here and how much that impacts my mood. For e.g last night I dreamt about all of my family and I had left my car at my brothers place and then as I was waking up I realised - I couldn't have because I am in England and I can't pick it up. And then again - I sold my car - so I couldn't have driven it there or left it there!
And i woke up in a really sad way. Realising that I was lonely and didn't have my family just around the corner to rely on. I also dreamt vividly about my nieces and nephews and realised that I had a real gap of having no children over here - to muck around with or even just to hug! And that left me feeling really sad as well.
So the day before i was ok, then after one dream I can feel really alone and down. Things will only get better.

How much change can you stand?

Was thinking that I feel tired this week because of all the constant change in my life - and there is still more to experience. Are humans capable of living in a world of constant change? Where nothing is certain? For e.g had I not gotten a job, or a place to live, how long could I have coped? I understand people who venture to a different country and if they don't get work get depressed. I am very fortunate to have something in such a short time frame - 3 weeks is nothing really. Had that extended beyond 2 months then I would have been home. I know there is no point to wondering about things that didn't happen but these are more ponderings - when would enough have been enough. Not sure that we can exist in a world of uncertainty for too long a time.