Dreams and realities

It has been really bizarre how much I have dreamed over here and how much that impacts my mood. For e.g last night I dreamt about all of my family and I had left my car at my brothers place and then as I was waking up I realised - I couldn't have because I am in England and I can't pick it up. And then again - I sold my car - so I couldn't have driven it there or left it there!
And i woke up in a really sad way. Realising that I was lonely and didn't have my family just around the corner to rely on. I also dreamt vividly about my nieces and nephews and realised that I had a real gap of having no children over here - to muck around with or even just to hug! And that left me feeling really sad as well.
So the day before i was ok, then after one dream I can feel really alone and down. Things will only get better.

How much change can you stand?

Was thinking that I feel tired this week because of all the constant change in my life - and there is still more to experience. Are humans capable of living in a world of constant change? Where nothing is certain? For e.g had I not gotten a job, or a place to live, how long could I have coped? I understand people who venture to a different country and if they don't get work get depressed. I am very fortunate to have something in such a short time frame - 3 weeks is nothing really. Had that extended beyond 2 months then I would have been home. I know there is no point to wondering about things that didn't happen but these are more ponderings - when would enough have been enough. Not sure that we can exist in a world of uncertainty for too long a time.

It's challenging

It is challenging and confronting over here in so many ways. You see how well you deal (or don't deal) with not having plans, living in limbo and with constant transition. Sharing a room with different people most nights, and having to engage others all the time can be exhausting. And there is no way around it. This has been by far the biggest challenge of my life - and with minimal immediate support. Is this the way to get to know yourself more? Definitely...
Have created a routine and believe it or not lists of things to do - buy this, post this - just so I have a sense of stability. My neck and shoulders are embracing all the tension so an Asian massage is a must today to work the kinks out.
I know I will get through it but someone has to push the fast forward button a little to help me along I think!

Forcing yourself to do things differently

I had a great weekend in Paris yet on Friday when preparing for it, I found myself in a situation where I had to trust. That can be very difficult taking a plunge, not knowing what to exepect. I headed off to another country, not even knowing if my accomodation was booked or not (I had just emailed the place) and arriving early evening is never too attractive. I did learn that I can just trust that things will work out ok and that they will!
It is also a challenge to appreciate the fact that I don't have work and to adjust to being able to do whatever I want, whenever i want. It is exactly where you want to be when you are working - what I dreamt of being able to do, yet part of me just wants a job and that security, and a place to live. We want the excitement of uncertainty, yet then seek security as soon as we have it! So I need to continue to almost force myself to do things differently.

Ups and Downs

OK so since my last post I had a meltdown when faced with the prospect of changing places to live into a YHA. I had heard all horror stories about YHA's and I just wasn't into getting out of my comfort zone again. Two things I have realised since - you have to get your head into the right here and now when you get homesick. I think the sadness you feel when you are homesick is a result of not being really present to your immediate surroundings. So when I shifted my focus into where I was and what I have around me, that had those feelings shift as well.
And the second thing, when you travel and you haven't seen or done much before, best that you don't listen too much to what others say. It can taint your own experiences or have you almost afraid of ghosts - things that just don't exist. Just because it is true for someone else doesn't mean that it will be true for you.
And just when I felt really down on Mon/Tues, now I am back up again. That is nice!

When you're away from the one's you love

In this world there can be many things which have you better understand yourself. Ways in which you can put yourself out of your comfort zone. I certainly have by putting myself in a situation where noone knows me. I don't feel too lonely (today) but I certainly felt odd the first couple of days when in London and not having someone right next to me to talk to. So I spent up on phone cards. But the hard thing is hanging up from someone you wish was there with you. I can't do it without crying. not sure that that will ever change either.
I have enjoyed touring around at my own pace, and being friendly to people. I realised that if someone asked me whether I was outgoing I would say no, yet have since realised that whilst I am not an extrovert I am certainly friendly. You begin to think about how you want to define yourself when noone knows you. I am considering which areas of my life I want to explore more now that I am in this situation. Even going on the ghost tour last night, I considered going back to where I was staying because else I would have to travel at night etc. Then I realised I could be 'outlandish' and noone was waiting for me, expecting me, and it was nice. A freedom that I wouldn't normally have had, because I would have played it all safe. So this could be fun to explore more about who I am and what I want....